madewell thundercloud jeans

At two months postpartum I'm still about 10lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight which means that all of my favorite jeans and pants are still a tad bit snug around the waist. Last week I finally decided to just buy a pair of interim jeans to wear. Thankfully, I found a pair that I am loving. They've got the perfect amount of stretch and give and they go with everything. I've worn them every single day.

Madewell: skinny skinny ankle jeans in thundercloud

I love them so much I bought the camo equivalent.

introducing djuna sulise + birth story

Stella meets Djuna

Djuna, 7 days old

Meet Djuna Sulise! We named her Djuna (pronounced JOON-uh) after writer Djuna Barnes. It's a name I've loved ever since reading Nightwood in college, and Jordan and I agreed after we had Stella that if we ever had another girl we would call her Djuna. We wanted to capture the love and admiration we have for both our mothers; Sulise is an homage to them, Suellen and Malise.

Djuna made a speedy entrance into the world early last Thursday morning. After days of pre-labor contractions that left us wondering "is this it?," I never imagined I'd have such a different birth experience from the one I had with Stella. With Djuna, there was no doubt when I actually went into labor. Going to bed Wednesday night she was very active and I kept feeling her head moving and turning against my cervix. At 1 a.m. her movement broke my bag of waters and I woke Jordan up and called my Mom who was at our door in 20 minutes. Because I tested positive for Group B strep this pregnancy, my OB requested that we head to the hospital sooner rather than later if my waters broke so that I could be given a dose or two of antibiotics. I had my first serious contraction, one that stopped me in my tracks, right before leaving our house.

We arrived at the hospital and were admitted into the labor and delivery department. At this point I was excited and chatty with the nurse and with Jordan. After weeks of waiting, I was ready to be past the labor and meet our girl. I felt so happy and not at all scared or apprehensive. At around 2:15 a.m. they checked me and I was 3-4 cm dilated. They moved me into a room and we met and talked with our attending nurse. I was still smiling and laughing, easily breathing through the contractions with Jordan rubbing my back and offering encouragement, and eating fruit popsicles.

The nurse drew some blood to run tests and ended up poking through the other side of my vein, which, I learned as the blood started to pool in my arm and Jordan almost fainted, is called a blown vein. I started shaking after that from the rush of adrenaline and was light-headed from having my blood drawn badly. Another nurse came in to insert the IV drip into my other arm.

By 3:40 a.m. I felt the urge to pee and afterwards found I couldn't sit comfortably on my birthing ball anymore. Our nurse had left the room and as I leaned over the bed I told Jordan to go get her because I could feel Djuna moving down the birth passage. At 3:50 a.m. the doctor checked me and was astonished that I was already 9 cm dilated. The attending nurse was surprised as well because I was managing the contractions without much discomfort. At that point, however, I started moaning, open-mouthed (thank you Ina May!), through the contractions because I could feel the urge to push coming on and I was told to wait so they could quickly prep the room for the delivery.

The nurse hurried to get the antibiotics in the IV for the Group B Strep prevention (much too late), and at around this point I looked at Jordan and told him I didn't want to do it anymore. I quickly stopped myself from saying it again, and started repeating "I can do this." 

I started pushing at 4 a.m., and after 3 intense pushes, Djuna was born. I felt ecstatic. And relieved. As they put her on my chest I said with great joy "I did it, Sweets! I did good..." 

He agreed.

today could be the day

Tomorrow marks the start of week 41 of my pregnancy. Yes, as of this morning I am still pregnant. For the past two weeks I've woken up earlier than usual, usually with the realization "oh, shit... my labor hasn't happened already?" And then I give myself a little pep talk and think "today could be the day! Tomorrow I will wake up and get to hold our new girl..." And then I wake up still pregnant and facing down the hardest thing I've ever had to do, the thing I promised myself I would never do again just minutes after birthing Stella.

So here I am. Another day dawning, and I'm thinking "today could be the day."

still pregnant + first tomatoes

At just one week away from my due date, I'm a cringing at the prospect of being pregnant another week, or (please no!) two. I am so top-heavy and unused to the way my body has to move in this state that I tripped last night and skinned my knee and palm of my hand. I'm fine, if a little banged up. And I know that even though I can't see my feet I do need to watch where I am going.

In other news, my tomatoes finally started turning red! I harvested my first batch this weekend. They are delicious, especially when eaten soon after being picked and still warm from the sun. I hope you had a lovely weekend!

final stretch

A few weeks ago; at 33 weeks with my girl

We're in the final stretch. Literally. At almost 38 weeks, I can feel my skin giving a last stretch as it gets pushed and elbowed from the inside. I'm achy, constant pelvic bone pain is just painful, and ripe with complaints, especially at the end of the day when my belly feels the heaviest and I'm just. so. tired. Most days it's hard to summon the energy to walk up and down our stairs or sit uncomfortably (again with the pelvic bone pain!) on the floor with Stella and build a Lego empire. So it is no wonder I am neglecting this blog.

How funny to look back to the end of my pregnancy with Stella when I wrote this about the end of our life as a twosome. I'm already getting a little nostalgic for our days as a family of three. No doubt once our new girl arrives, imagining a life without her will seem so bizarre. These days, when we go places without Stella it feels as if I'm missing my heart... though when I am alone, it is still natural to be just myself, walking through errands or eating meals without a toddler appendage. 

Our life is about to change once again, in ways that we are anticipating but cannot fully comprehend, and I am so ready. I am beyond ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am ready to be back in regular, normal-fitting clothes. I am ready to wake up without back/foot/bone pain. I am ready to have this birth experience behind me. I am ready to meet our new girl.

birth story: ina may gaskin and the farm midwives

Last night I finished watching Birth Story, the documentary about midwife Ina May Gaskin (I mentioned her in my post on labor) and The Farm Midwifery Center in Tennessee. I enjoyed the fascinating look back at how The Farm came into being, how Ina May found her calling as a midwife, and all of the footage (old and new) of women giving birth naturally and without medical intervention. I went to bed feeling inspired (yes, I can do this again) and empowered (my body has the amazing capacity to stretch and expand, to open, and to heal), which is exactly what I was hoping for...

babymoon in brooklyn

We're only two months away from our little family of three becoming a family of four. So we decided to go to Brooklyn for a mini babymoon. We left Stells in California with my awesome parents (where she had the time of her life eating ice cream, riding on the carousel and stream train at Tilden Park, going to story-time, taking the Ferry into San Francisco for lunch at Slanted Door, etc) so that we could enjoy each other, see our friends, stay out late, and just be us for the weekend. We visited with my sister and many friends. We ate and drank our way around Brooklyn (Talde, Seersucker, Lavender Lake, Cafe Pedlar, Reynards, Moim, Blue Bottle), we browsed through the stacks at McNally Jackson, walked around Smorgasburg, took the ferry from Williamsburg to DUMBO, played a few rounds of ping pong and pool at Brownstones Billiards, and relished just being with each other and the friends and family we don't get to see enough. Needless to say, my feet and back were pretty tired at the end of every day from hauling my very pregnant belly around, and we came home so excited to hug and kiss and cuddle our girl.

on labor

In the midst of my 28th week, the reality of this pregnancy is starting to set in. My belly is bigger, and the kicks and pushes from within are getting more pronounced and more regular. I'm in the process of "nesting," organizing drawers, preparing Stella's room for the arrival of our new girl. Just yesterday I unpacked a box of baby clothes and we marveled at the tiny sleepers. 

At night before going to bed I skip whatever new book of fiction sits languishing on my bedside table and have been dipping into Ina May Gaskin's Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I'm less anxious this time around about giving birth. I know I can do it, and I know I can do it without drugs. I know my body is strong, that childbirth is a powerful and temporary state. I trust and hope that my body will heal faster this time around because it knows, it has done this before. But I'm still mentally preparing myself for the birth itself. I've been practicing breathing deeply while driving the car. I'm mentally reliving Stella's birth almost daily, reminding myself of each stage, thinking about how it felt to feel my body opening and changing, remembering the fear and the exhaustion but also the focus and the great store of energy I drew on to birth her.

Last night I read Ina May's chapter on Sphincter Law. What I didn't realize the first time around is that smiling and laughing allow a woman in childbirth to be more open, to open more. Laughing and smiling were just about the last things I felt like doing while in labor. But now I know. I've got this. Bring on the joy.

we're expecting...

16 weeks and feeling good with my little funny-faced girl

...Baby #2 to make an appearance in mid-July! The constant nausea has abated and my energy is finally picking up. I can't tell you how good that feels.

We've been so lazy this time around with taking photos of my growing belly. I think that means this little person is already being treated like a #2, right? Less pictures, less hoopla in general. This is about what I looked like at this point when I was pregnant with Stella:

Still, we can't wait to find out who this next little person is going to be...

xoxo