happy birthday, djuna baby

Djuna on her first birthday

A year ago, after a quick 3 hour labor, our Djuna was born. I have been thinking about that birth experience all day. After weeks of waiting and getting increasingly tired of being pregnant, I was joyful to finally be in labor. I felt powerful, so different than when I gave birth to Stella. Giving birth isn't easy, but looking back I can remember starting to push and thinking I can do this, my body is strong, I can do this...

In some ways that ease and assurance has carried over into Djuna's first year. She is very much the second child. There is less intense one-on-one time with her because our attentions are always so fractured.

I hear myself say "she'll be fine" all the time after falls, face-plants, and crying jags. It's a nonchalance that only comes when you've seen a first child survive the mishaps of the first year and beyond. "Let her figure it out," is another phrase I find myself repeating.

She's showing signs of being more independent than Stella was at one. Part of this is due to the fact that she's been walking for two months already (a full 3 months sooner than Stella).

Djuna (Djunes, Djunie, Djuna baby, Pooms) loves greeting people with a smile and a wave, watching dogs, and gazing out our front windows. She is generally pretty content, but is quick to tell us when she doesn't like or want something. She likes swinging and exploring at the park. She spits out a lot of foods, but seems to dig cherries and sausage. She loves Stella but usually wiggles away from her hugs. She blows pretty sweet kisses.

Happy birthday, Djunes!

jet-lagged

We're back!

This photo was taken at 7:30am at the park yesterday. The girls woke us up at 3am and refused to go back to sleep, despite our many attempts. By the time we got to the park we'd already eaten breakfast, stopped for coffee and croissants (Stella must be going through another growth spurt because she is eating every 30 minutes) in the city, and dropped Jordan off at work.

This morning they woke up at 3:40am. I managed to get Djuna back to sleep, but Stella and I were up eating breakfast again at 4:30am.

Jet lag is no joke. It is going to be another LONG day.

Have a lovely weekend!

be back soon... and friday links

Kara Rosenlund's "Sea," via Cup of Jo

We are headed to the south of France and Berlin for two weeks, so the old blog will be neglected for a bit while we are away. I am excited to get away with family, and visit with dear friends we haven't seen in awhile, but I'm totally dreading the flights and traveling with a newly-walking toddler. When do vacations with kids become relaxing?

See you in a few weeks!

Pan-roasted chicken with harissa chickpeas.

My friends Melissa on SFGirlByBay!

Remember Sarah? Her site, Speed4Sarah, just launched. Consider donating to help find a cure for ALS.

One of Stella's favorite activities? Taking photos.

I'm not grossed out by armpit hair on women, are you? Truthfully, I often grow mine out, and I find it quite sexy on other women.

How Powerful Is Your Passport?

This pretty much sums up my daily uniform.

How a woman's plan to kill herself helped her family grieve.

Josey Baker Builds a Bakery. 

(Happy Birthday to my Dad!!)

djuna, 11 months

Djuna, 11 months

Djuna's first birthday just a month away, can you believe it?!

It's funny to look back at this post and think about those last weeks before Djuna was born, when it was still just the 3 of us.

Djuna at 11 months is walking and getting into everything. Her vocabulary consists of uh oh, Dada, and Mama, in that order. She loves seeing dogs, but seems to be allergic to them. She's still plagued by eczema on her hands and ankles, despite my heroic attempts (they have helped some) at excluding dairy, nuts, and tomatoes from my diet, and putting ointments on her throughout the day. She has 8 teeth, and an underbite to boot. She likes waving goodbye. She loves watching, toddling after, and touching Stella. She is watchful and a bit serious but has a smile that lights up the room.

dairy-free

I'm on week two of going dairy-free after Djuna had a bad reaction (mad hives) to touching cheese last Monday. She's had chronic eczema, on her hands and feet/ankles, for months and it had gotten worse in the past few weeks. She is still primarily breastfeeding and seems to have little interest in eating food; she won't even open her mouth for me if I try to feed her. In an effort to improve her eczema I've given up nuts too as I worry that almond milk and the other nuts in my diet might be exacerbating the issue as well.

My morning coffee is now an Americano, and I am eating lots of protein, vegetables, and fruit to keep my energy up throughout the day. Without dairy in my body, I actually feel pretty great. If Djuna's skin does improve, I will give it up while she continues breastfeeding, which could mean being dairy-free for two years or more. I have even toyed with the idea of cutting dairy from my diet on a more permanent basis. Though, I do love me some cheese. And ice cream. And buttered toast.

Needless to say, I'm on the hunt for tasty, dairy-free, nut-free recipes. If you have any, send them my way.

stella at 3

Happy birthday to our Stella who turned three on Friday.

This kid is all emotion. One minute she's laughing and the next she's crying ("I want water in my PINK cup not my GREEN!" sob, sob, sob). Stella's emotions rule her world.

She loves baby Djuna, whom she calls "Pooms" and "Little Kicky." Loves her so much she sometimes just wants to smother her... with hugs and kisses, of course. She often hears us say "give Djuna some space," and sometimes she listens and complies and sometimes she just listens and acts like she can't hear us.

She eats slow. Talks non-stop. Asks question after question, sometimes the same question ad nauseam. Loves to draw. Is a pain to get into the bath and a pain to get out once she's in. Loves to sing and make up songs. Is a sweet little snuggler. Wants to wear dresses everyday. Learns new big words daily (last week her favorite word was monumental). Loves looking at and reading books. Stands on the back of our couch and watches everyone leave our house and waves goodbye. Obsessively has to sit on our stoop before we open the front door (every. single. time). Starts talking as soon as her eyes open in the morning. Loves spending the night at her Grammy and Pappap's house. Loves park dates with her Aunt Livvie and Skype dates with family far away. Takes pride in walking her own dishes to the sink after meals. Likes helping in the kitchen and making muffins and cookies. Asks me to sing Summertime and stroke her hair at bedtime. No longer naps at home. Has a hard time saying Ls, so Stella sounds like Stewwa. Adores playing hide and seek and usually picks the same place to hide again and again. Dislikes visits to her wonderful doctor, but talks about ailments and sickness nonstop. Is watchful and wary in new situations. Has a long memory, boundless energy, and a monumental heart.

Stella at 2.5.
Stella at 2.
Stella's Birth Story, 1 year later.

cheers to december

Hello to December, one of my favorite months of the year. I love the holidays: the chill in the air, the smell of pine needles, baking, twinkly lights, Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat, old traditions and new ones. It's a month of celebrations, of birthdays and family gatherings, made all the more memorable and magical with an almost three-year-old. So cheers to all that...

A few links:

We're on day 2 of this adorable advent calendar.

Yayoi Kusama's Mirrored Room looks beautiful.

I (finally) started Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch over the weekend. The book has been sitting on my bedside table since the day it was released, but I hadn't felt ready to crack the spine until this past Saturday. I'm only 50 pages in, but I'm loving the language and the imagery so far. Take a look at the interview with Tartt over at Powells.com.

Applesauce Carrot Bread with Pecan Streusel. Yum!

This place has become one of our favorite date night spots.

It is silly how long I've been looking for a cute pair of booties. I've been so tempted by clog booties, but when I admired them on Marisa Haskell a few weeks ago she told me all about how hers are stiff and unforgiving. I just don't have the time or the patience to break in a new pair of booties. And, frankly, spending beaucoup $ on a pair of shoes that are so uncomfortable I might never wear them is just not an option. These are the ones I've chosen (in Navy suede). Fingers crossed.

hello dear kids

My friend Devon turned me on to the Etsy shop Hello Dear Kids. Such cuteness!

Girls Winter Coat

Tree Dress

Red Dress

Quilt Vest

Autumn Dress

Bear Pajamas

Bowtie Dress

djuna at 3 months

Djuna at 3 months is all sweetness and smiles. She's a great sleeper, going to bed around 8pm and waking up at 4am for early morning nurse sessions. She loves Stella; Djuna watches her with big, wide eyes, and smiles whenever Stella looks her way or plays near her. She loves being talked to and smiled at, and she goes anywhere and does anything without much fuss. 

We lucked out big time with this kid. She is dreamy.

a few weekend links

YUM.

I turn 35 in November. Gah! I think I'm going to make this ice cream cake to celebrate. Nothing says happy birthday like an ice cream cake, right?!

Eat, Pray, Love, Get Rich, Write A Novel No One Expects.

Super cute kids sandals.

I'm seriously crushing on these Ali Golden bags. My friend Melissa has one and every time I see her I covet it...

Saying goodbye at preschool has been a challenge. I appreciated this Motherlode post on easing the transition and separation anxiety.

This adorable book is one of our favorites at the moment.

TED Talk 2012 Flashback: Chip Kidd. Designing books is no laughing matter. OK, it is.

Can't wait to go to this new Oakland beer hall.

Fall is in the air. The dusklight sweater.

Domino Magazine is back.

[photograph credit: ashley of not without salt]

djuna :: 10 weeks

Djuna is one happy, smiley baby.

period of adjustment

We are in the middle of a big period of adjustment... Djuna's arrival. Stella starting preschool in September.

Over the past few weeks we've seen more Stella meltdowns than ever before. Overall, Stella is handling Djuna's presence beautifully. She gives her kisses and loves, and so far she hasn't asked us to send her back. But she loses her shit over the smallest things. Developmentally, Stella is right on track. She desperately desires routine and predictability. She wants to be heard and understood but allowed to change her mind at will. Her world is in upheaval and she is doing her best to find her footing, connect with us, and have her voice heard amidst the chaos.

Getting them to both nap at the same time is proving to be a challenge. Yesterday it took me two hours to get Stella to fall asleep in the afternoon. On Friday I finally gave up after an hour and a half of trying, which culminated in Stella chanting "Mommmmyyyyy" in her room over and over and over again and Djuna puking breast milk all over me and our bed. Ah, the glories of parenthood.

So while we adjust and work towards some kind of balance, I might be less present here on this old blog. But I'll be back...

introducing djuna sulise + birth story

Stella meets Djuna

Djuna, 7 days old

Meet Djuna Sulise! We named her Djuna (pronounced JOON-uh) after writer Djuna Barnes. It's a name I've loved ever since reading Nightwood in college, and Jordan and I agreed after we had Stella that if we ever had another girl we would call her Djuna. We wanted to capture the love and admiration we have for both our mothers; Sulise is an homage to them, Suellen and Malise.

Djuna made a speedy entrance into the world early last Thursday morning. After days of pre-labor contractions that left us wondering "is this it?," I never imagined I'd have such a different birth experience from the one I had with Stella. With Djuna, there was no doubt when I actually went into labor. Going to bed Wednesday night she was very active and I kept feeling her head moving and turning against my cervix. At 1 a.m. her movement broke my bag of waters and I woke Jordan up and called my Mom who was at our door in 20 minutes. Because I tested positive for Group B strep this pregnancy, my OB requested that we head to the hospital sooner rather than later if my waters broke so that I could be given a dose or two of antibiotics. I had my first serious contraction, one that stopped me in my tracks, right before leaving our house.

We arrived at the hospital and were admitted into the labor and delivery department. At this point I was excited and chatty with the nurse and with Jordan. After weeks of waiting, I was ready to be past the labor and meet our girl. I felt so happy and not at all scared or apprehensive. At around 2:15 a.m. they checked me and I was 3-4 cm dilated. They moved me into a room and we met and talked with our attending nurse. I was still smiling and laughing, easily breathing through the contractions with Jordan rubbing my back and offering encouragement, and eating fruit popsicles.

The nurse drew some blood to run tests and ended up poking through the other side of my vein, which, I learned as the blood started to pool in my arm and Jordan almost fainted, is called a blown vein. I started shaking after that from the rush of adrenaline and was light-headed from having my blood drawn badly. Another nurse came in to insert the IV drip into my other arm.

By 3:40 a.m. I felt the urge to pee and afterwards found I couldn't sit comfortably on my birthing ball anymore. Our nurse had left the room and as I leaned over the bed I told Jordan to go get her because I could feel Djuna moving down the birth passage. At 3:50 a.m. the doctor checked me and was astonished that I was already 9 cm dilated. The attending nurse was surprised as well because I was managing the contractions without much discomfort. At that point, however, I started moaning, open-mouthed (thank you Ina May!), through the contractions because I could feel the urge to push coming on and I was told to wait so they could quickly prep the room for the delivery.

The nurse hurried to get the antibiotics in the IV for the Group B Strep prevention (much too late), and at around this point I looked at Jordan and told him I didn't want to do it anymore. I quickly stopped myself from saying it again, and started repeating "I can do this." 

I started pushing at 4 a.m., and after 3 intense pushes, Djuna was born. I felt ecstatic. And relieved. As they put her on my chest I said with great joy "I did it, Sweets! I did good..." 

He agreed.

today could be the day

Tomorrow marks the start of week 41 of my pregnancy. Yes, as of this morning I am still pregnant. For the past two weeks I've woken up earlier than usual, usually with the realization "oh, shit... my labor hasn't happened already?" And then I give myself a little pep talk and think "today could be the day! Tomorrow I will wake up and get to hold our new girl..." And then I wake up still pregnant and facing down the hardest thing I've ever had to do, the thing I promised myself I would never do again just minutes after birthing Stella.

So here I am. Another day dawning, and I'm thinking "today could be the day."

still pregnant + first tomatoes

At just one week away from my due date, I'm a cringing at the prospect of being pregnant another week, or (please no!) two. I am so top-heavy and unused to the way my body has to move in this state that I tripped last night and skinned my knee and palm of my hand. I'm fine, if a little banged up. And I know that even though I can't see my feet I do need to watch where I am going.

In other news, my tomatoes finally started turning red! I harvested my first batch this weekend. They are delicious, especially when eaten soon after being picked and still warm from the sun. I hope you had a lovely weekend!

final stretch

A few weeks ago; at 33 weeks with my girl

We're in the final stretch. Literally. At almost 38 weeks, I can feel my skin giving a last stretch as it gets pushed and elbowed from the inside. I'm achy, constant pelvic bone pain is just painful, and ripe with complaints, especially at the end of the day when my belly feels the heaviest and I'm just. so. tired. Most days it's hard to summon the energy to walk up and down our stairs or sit uncomfortably (again with the pelvic bone pain!) on the floor with Stella and build a Lego empire. So it is no wonder I am neglecting this blog.

How funny to look back to the end of my pregnancy with Stella when I wrote this about the end of our life as a twosome. I'm already getting a little nostalgic for our days as a family of three. No doubt once our new girl arrives, imagining a life without her will seem so bizarre. These days, when we go places without Stella it feels as if I'm missing my heart... though when I am alone, it is still natural to be just myself, walking through errands or eating meals without a toddler appendage. 

Our life is about to change once again, in ways that we are anticipating but cannot fully comprehend, and I am so ready. I am beyond ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am ready to be back in regular, normal-fitting clothes. I am ready to wake up without back/foot/bone pain. I am ready to have this birth experience behind me. I am ready to meet our new girl.

zara for girls

I'm liking Zara's girl clothes right now. In fact, I wish some of these came in my size...like those printed trousers. Aren't they awesome?!

Striped Blouse

Vertical Striped Dress

Printed Top

Geometric Print Dress

Printed Jumpsuit

Printed Trousers

stella at 2.5 years

Oh, Stella... watching you grow up is both exhilarating and heartbreaking. On one hand I want to see where the trajectory of your life will take you, and on the other I want to pause time forever and just hold you here in this moment. Being a parent is so very bittersweet.

So much has happened since my last Stella update when you turned 2.

I weaned you completely the night after writing this post, because I wanted your memory of breastfeeding to be forever "perfect." Your attachment to my "boobies" is still a constant between us. You want to touch them when you're waking up in the morning, at the breakfast table just because, and your hand finds a way to wiggle into my shirt whenever I hold you. I don't mind, because touching me and being close makes you feel safe and happy. Weaning you was easier than I imagined, though we both cried a few tears those first couple of days. While you still ask to nurse occasionally, you are asking less and less. I can only imagine that the arrival of our new girl and watching me breastfeed the baby might be hard for you. Just telling you about this inevitability has sent you into contemplative silence thus far.

After getting a shot at the doctor's office (a traumatic experience as you now recognize the building where shots happen and the tears started flowing as soon as we parked the car) a few months ago you became obsessed with illness and hospitals, ambulances and ouchies. No day is complete in our house without some talk of sickness, and the special tidbit you brought back from our kite-flying adventure in the city awhile back was that an ambulance drove by the field, siren blaring. In one of your current favorite books the main character, Madeline, goes to the hospital for an appendicitis. Most of the illnesses you talk about have to do with "appendix," though you still don't quite understand the logistics of it all. You often say things like "I have to go to the hospital, I have appendix." And "I'm the Mommy and you're the doctor and Tiger needs a band-aid because he has appendix." You also get a kick out of showing people every scrape and imaginary scar. The last scrape you got on your hand was a talking point for 2 weeks. You told everyone you saw, often the same people over and over, about how you fell and hurt your hand, sometimes this included re-enactments of the fall itself. You also love to apply band-aids at random, give fake shots (sometimes for "appendix"), and have your Dad wrap your "broken arm/leg/foot."

I am often astonished by your memory. Today in the car you said, out of the blue: "Did Daddy jump?" It took me a few seconds to realize you were referring to a story Jordan told you MONTHS ago as he was putting you to sleep about this time he went train hopping and jumped off at some remote location and was picked up by a truck driver. "Yes," I said (while questioning if I should be condoning jumping off any moving thing with a 2-year-old), "Daddy jumped off the train..." "And did someone pick him up?" you asked. "Yep," I said. "A man in a truck?" you asked. "Yesss..." I replied while thinking to myself that I really must ask Jordan if this is the best bedtime story to be telling you lest you think it's a great idea to train hop and get into a random truck with a random guy.

Oh my god, do you ask questions...

You: "Did Pappap hurt his knee?" 

Me: "Yes, a few weeks ago."

You: "And did he have a scab?" 

Me: "Uh huh."

You: "Did Grammy have a band-aid on her finger?"

Me: "Yes, she did... A few months ago."

You: 

"Do people live in houses?"

"Do Daddy's boobies feed boy babies?"

"Is that ambulance going to the hospital with a person who has appendix?"

"Do Tigers talk?"

"Do bunnies have noses?"

"Do we stand on the couch like this?!" (said perched on the edge of the couch with one foot high in the air)

As I write this, there is much crying and protestation happening upstairs around getting ready for bed. You are currently in the throes of the "terrible twos" (which I've heard from a few sources lasts into the threes and fours...save us!) I won't dwell here on how you gleefully run in the opposite direction of wherever we need to go, or how when asked to say goodbye to someone you say "no, I can't," or how you melt down when given something that you've just asked for, or how you like to test the same boundaries everyday (yes, we're still saying "no" to feet being on the dinner table). I will conclude with the hope that these terrible, frustrating twos peaked on Sunday night when, after a weekend (mostly) alone with you, you ran upstairs sans diaper and peed on our bed. With the fan whirring in the bedroom to air out the mattress, I nearly cried myself to sleep, but at eight months pregnant I was just too exhausted even for that.

In truth, I know we're nowhere near the end of this crazy toddler mayhem, because childhood and parenthood just doesn't work that way. It's endless, never ending. But I have to tell you, even on our difficult days, even when I'm tired and still getting peppered with questions at 9 o'clock and I just want you to go to sleep, even when you cry hysterically because I've unzipped your sleep sack when you asked me to but you decided you really wanted to do it yourself... I love the shit out of you, in this enormous, there-are-no-words-to-describe-it, exhilarating and heartbreaking all at once, endless and never ending kind of way. It is, all of it, so bittersweet.

babymoon in brooklyn

We're only two months away from our little family of three becoming a family of four. So we decided to go to Brooklyn for a mini babymoon. We left Stells in California with my awesome parents (where she had the time of her life eating ice cream, riding on the carousel and stream train at Tilden Park, going to story-time, taking the Ferry into San Francisco for lunch at Slanted Door, etc) so that we could enjoy each other, see our friends, stay out late, and just be us for the weekend. We visited with my sister and many friends. We ate and drank our way around Brooklyn (Talde, Seersucker, Lavender Lake, Cafe Pedlar, Reynards, Moim, Blue Bottle), we browsed through the stacks at McNally Jackson, walked around Smorgasburg, took the ferry from Williamsburg to DUMBO, played a few rounds of ping pong and pool at Brownstones Billiards, and relished just being with each other and the friends and family we don't get to see enough. Needless to say, my feet and back were pretty tired at the end of every day from hauling my very pregnant belly around, and we came home so excited to hug and kiss and cuddle our girl.

loving right now

Marisa Haskell Fauna Cuff trio. I wear mine everyday.

Rhubarb. I made this Strawberry-Rhubarb Crisp with Cardamom and Nutmeg awhile back which got rave reviews. The Rhubarb Upside Down Cake (photo above by Todd Coleman) looks super tasty.

This white top. Perfect for summer, right?

Season 2 of Call the Midwife, streaming now on PBS.

This light-weight cotton maternity tank dress.

These gorgeous Rifle Paper Co. iPhone cases.

The very adorable woodland creature mask kits at Papersource. Seen here on Stella (the squirrel) and her friends Ari (the fox) and Calder (the reindeer).